I did a purge on my room yesterday. I can't stand the stuffiness and cluttering. And so I spent away most of my afternoon packing and throwing stuffs. It was rather bad, all the dust, itchy hands and nose. But the job was done and good too. I feel satisfied. =) And later, service at Indoor Stadium, FOP.
I was guarding a busy gate. And I do until I cant bring myself to smile. It was good at first, through all the shouting and squeezing at the gates, trying to block people gate-crashing into the zone etc. The anti-climax came when someone forced open the gate with one of my hand still placed on the gate. Caught in-between a very solid wall and the hinge. My eyes watered and I mutter to myself for a few minutes. I must seem quite mad. haha. I lost my patience with the congregation then, can't smile to show my teeth for nuts. Boo` So anyways, that's that.
And then I was walking home alone after service, and it gives me time to think and be emotional as I intended. I didn't know how I get out of there, I just walked and end up at an empty bus stop, hopped onto bus 16 comfortably, no squeeze. From yesterday, I just realised how dependent I am on my elder brother. It's like he's my crux in the cellgroup and a very big church. Yes, I know. I know God should be the pillar of it all, the reason why I'm still here and attending church etc. I know. But, how can I explain? I feel so lost and empty without him, together with me. I guess inside me, deep down, I'm afraid of people forgetting me and leaving me behind. Throughout all my life, from young, I just could not overcome this fear. And so, I guess that no matter what, he's truly the one I can trust, without worrying him abandoning me, or forgetting me. I can trust on him that he will remember me in a big church as someone that's part of his life and very loved and important to him. I can't help but feel that now, I'm just a little girl, nearly invisible, practically ignored serving in a big big place, ready to be swallowed up into the midst of the congregation. If not for attendance sake, would there be people knocking into my life? Would they really bother? Is this how my brother feels? I dunno. But I feel so different now. Past few weeks, I've been going home alone, straight after services. No1 called to ask if I'm joining them. Maybe you think, I should be the one stepping out and calling them. But I can't. I'm sorry but I just do not dare, I do not have the boldness. I feel like an intruder, not part of them. I see the cell growing smaller and smaller ever since the day my brother brought me along. I remember the people's faces, especially those who left, to other cells or not to any. And I wonder why? And I know I played a part in everyone life, to help them stay or leave. Just like now, like myself, either helping me make it or break it. It's stupid to say or even think, 'what if, back then...' But I do think about it. I wonder, have they noticed? with my brother not there, would they give a thought? and be worried? not just for him. Life's filled with regrets and everyone is inter-dependent on each other, no?
Maybe I'm being childish. And selfish. Maybe I should stop this. It's so not a right thing to say isn't it? So incorrect, politically. Ha. Arh, wells. I'm gladly going out to meet Vann and get Alvin Sng's pressie.

Labels: deep thoughts, disappointed, E269, God