I had a dream, a nightmare not too long ago. I dreamt that calamity had struck my family, and perhaps the whole world. In the dream, there was no night but the wash of orange over everything. The earth was scorching. Everyone in my family had perished except me and my dad. The emotions were so real. I felt an emptiness, a sadness that lingered in my heart and around me. And day by day, me and my dad lived with those feeling, grieving in our hearts quietly but never showing it. Our silence seemed to be the strength for each to carry on and forget the past.
But one day, my dad broke down. The pain of losing our love ones was so raw, we simply can't forget it, and them. We were just burying it deep in the chasm of our hearts and minds. He cried so hard, standing at the edge of the roof of a HDB flat. I cried so hard too, pleading with him not to give up. To not leave me alone in this dying world. He was all my hope after everything and all, and when he wanted to end his misery, I was so desperate. I felt so lost and hopeless. And I cried so hard.
I woke up crying, with real tears in my eyes. I struggled to sleep again, tears still flowing, the emotions in the dream still so raw.

And I felt so hopeless and lost today, felt like giving up. Suddenly, my mind could not focus. My body just seemed to move on its own, doing the necessary stuff. But I was not really there. I kept my head low the entire time, to hide the tears. I worked so hard, I commit so much. I spent away what I'd earned this week for people who take their sweet by and by time. I could as well have taken my own sweet time too and reached earlier, why rushed down and wait for nothing. They get away with it all, while I spend my all to get worse more. Ha. Like who am I, to talk about fear and challenges and being an overcomer? In the end, I'm here in this limbo. What should be my priority? I got it all wrong.

God gave this dream to me, a story to tell me that He is God, my Father in heaven, and He is my hope.

Matthew 6:33
But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you

Labels: fear, God