Sometimes, I got so upset when people ain't appreciative. For all my work, I wasn't recognized and was criticized too. All people see are the faults and they pin-point it. I was angry, cause why do you criticized when you weren't there, to help me? Do you know what I did or do you understand my difficulties? Well, at least I know, I did tried hard and my best. And I know that there's truly some nice people in the world who appreciates and loves me. The most down to earth belief I had kept since I found God, doubt God, and found God again, was a simplicity in the heart (which most people think is retarded and ku-ku anyway). And yesterday message strengthen my belief.
As a child, I wasn't very confident. I was ashamed of myself, I'm not pretty, had buck tooth, ain't smart, ain't well-mannered, wasn't likable..I had no friends. People laughed at me. Even my family criticize me. I remember, once at a wedding dinner, I felt good. I had my hair done nicely and I wore a nice dress. I was happy and when the food came, I dived for the food. My mom immediately said aloud, Can't I behave myself? Why can't I behave like my beautiful younger cousin? See! she's like a princess, people say she's a princess. What about you?
I remembered how I turned to look at my younger cousin seated at another table further down and I remembered how I turned back and look at the shocked faces of my older cousins. I was so ashamed. I put down my chopsticks and bowed my head quietly, eating whatever was put on my plate. I knew then that I was no princess and no one likes me, cause I'm ugly and scrawny.
It was hard for me through primary school and secondary school. I got no friends, I cried everyday on my bed. I was sensitive to whatever was said about me. I was a captive to Words. Even now. That's why I place an emphasis on the words I say to people. Words means alot to me. Encouragements means alot to me. You might not know how important the things you said to me are. And the effect they had on me.
Then I found God, and God found me my first best friend, Geraldine Foo. Together we bought April and I paid dearly for it. I received my first real birthday present from her. She dragged me into a store and bought me two tops costing $30 each. No one ever did that, and I was really dumbfounded all the way. On my birthday itself, I treat my first friend a meal at seoul garden in Woodlands, then tried to study Social Studies for our Prelims at the Civic Center Library to no avail. =) I celebrate my 16th birthday with a friend. And she is the greatest friend I ever met. I learnt to love myself when I'm 16.
The past may still bog me down but I'm trying to be a happy person. A cheerful person. To the people I love and want you to love me back,I'm childish sometimes, behaving like a child, I could appear spoilt, wanting for attention and whining. Cause I wanted what I didn't have when I was young. I'm still a learning person, trying to grow up :)
By the grace of God, I've come far. And you know what, I think I look good now. Haha!
Labels: God, memories