I miss my old school. I miss wearing that uniform. I miss walking that path home. I miss my classmates and their madness. I miss those times we visited the toilets like every period? Those times we refilled our water bottles like every 15 minutes because anyone who walk past the desk would just freely grab and drank it. Those times when the tissue representatives will bring a whole packet of packets of tissue and we used it up in one day and less (that's why I never had the habit of bringing tissues). I miss those times we sabo the representatives by kicking the used tissues to their desks and our teachers would force them to pick it all up instead. I miss the 50cents mee hoon which was a favourite in my class during our money saving plan(and my BF). I miss how the noodle store auntie will always scream at us for creating a din. I miss those times the whole class went down to the detention center, fanning ourselves and copying each other homework we're suppose to complete much earlier. I missed those times we slandered the teachers and then cried because they continue to love us till the end. Those times when teachers say they'll never give up on us. Those last two years in the school is really the best and I miss it all. But the first two years are pretty painful and thus definitely, this stupid school made my life hell and heaven. It brought out the worst and the best in me. It pulled me down, break me and strenghten me. It made me as I am now. It brought me where I am now. Truly I might not see what's the purpose during those lousy times, but now looking back, I'll say it's all worth it and I love it.

Labels: emo-ing, memories

Dinner was a disaster. My lil brother and I went kind of haywire, seeing it's only the two of us at home. There were those kind of chilli packets that normally come together with chicken rice and so the thing is, after my brother ate his chicken rice (me still eating my ban mian), I ask him to throw away the leftover and the chilli packets into a plastic bag so I can dump it later. And so he was tossing the packets up and down and I ask him why not you throw it out of the window then? AND HE REALLY DID THAT!! But he missed and hit the window grill instead and the chilli splattered all over the window, floor, my piano, the wall and the CEILING!! We freaked out and start scrubbing off the evidence of our misdeed. We drank lots of soapy water that drip from the mop we're using to clean the ceiling. No doubt we got some into our drinks and my ban mian. It was really a funny moment. Haha. We landed some on our brother's shirt too and we stuffed it into his cupboard as if nothing happen. Okay, we're bad children. Haha. Ha.

Labels: random

CNY goodies has taken it's revenge and toil on me. Muscle aches and my fair lady's throe has put me in a cranky mood. I've got nothing better to do. This is random. Good night!

Labels: sick

I feel so jittery. Stomach's churning. Since the whole day. It was so bad in the morning I nearly puke.

I went for supper with my brother yesterday after Friday's training. It was like 12.30am? We reached home at 2am probably. It's nice just talking and getting things straighten out, sharing ALOT of things and future stuffs. Seldom happens. It feels really good, talking over the meal, walking that long walk home. In the end he wins and actually he has always been right in a way. Haaa. I'm just to shy to admit it. X)

Big news I recieved yesterday (now being 17 minutes past midnight). I kind of expected it but it's still SAD ='( I'm so so very sad. Sigh.

My head's so heavy. And I felt compressed. Talking about the terror of the night. Ha. No la. Good night!

Labels: deep thoughts, sick

I'm halfway through Harry Potter's Prisoner of Azkaban. And I'm drinking lots of water too. All the sweet stuffs and crackers, tarts whatever is making me feel quite uncomfortable. But I'm still eating them. X)
Anyway, I love my room. I love sitting at the table. Just doing nothing. The sun and the warm breeze. Or the rain pattering through. Together with my April baby. Sigh. I love emo-ing.














I'm in a saintly mode recently. Haha. I brought my little brother swimming yesterday. Bought him food. Send him to tuition in bedok today and bought back my elder brother's favourite mutton soup. I guess I finally know what it means to lose some1 and knowing you haven't been spending time. Sad. I was on my stoning mode yesterday and suddenly I realise, my mummy and daddy are hitting their 50s. Half their time is gone. As each day passes, it's a day lesser to see them, serve them, and tell them how much they mean to you. Sigh. Eh! I'm entitled to emo. Nothing to worry about. Haha.

unknownly, slowly slowly,
i've grown to love you much.
every word, every action,
oh how do i tell you YOU mean so much?
tell me not that it's a dream,
tell me not i'm thinking too much,
tell me that everything,
everything is for real.

I'm entitled to sing too. Hahaha. Ok. Bye.

Labels: April Baby, emo-ing, world peace

My dad and brother use unorthodox means to wake me up. First they smack me and when I dun budge, they smack my dog. And when I still dun budge, they poke(for my brother) or tickle (for my dad) me up and out of bed. All this just to go watch a movie with them. Epic Movie. Haha. Funny. I wonder why isn't it NC16 when Norbit is. I shall find out tomorrow. I thought Norbit look pretty 'normal'.

Psalm 4
glory to shame: things that God gives us, we've perverted.
love worthlessness: love the things that are sinful, things that turn me away from Him.
seek falsehood: stop pretending! pretending that everything is fine (spiritual life, relationship, personally whatever.)
sacrifices of righteousness: the pleasure of sin has to be sacrifice.
trust in the Lord: that I'm still His VALUED child and He wouldn't give up on me.
All this while I sat on my bed, rushing through the book of psalms, impatient. Yes, I gotta be still.
Meditate within my heart whenever *blink blink star star* haha.

I'm not without feelings. I might be a dodo bird, absent-minded and stupid (to you), but I do still have feelings. Dun play with me. I'm not your toy. I'm fragile like your mama's china.

Labels: April Baby, God

I was tryin hard to fall asleep, and then I felt led to read the bible. It's not too long ago, about 30 minutes before. I was prompted to start reading from Psalms and so I did. And then I came to Psalm 4.

v1 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousnes
You have relieved me when I was in distress;
Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.

v2 How long, O you sons of men,
will you turn my glory to shame?
How long will you love worthlessness
and seek falsehood?

v3 But know that the Lord has
set apart for Himself him who is godly;
the Lord will hear when I call to Him

v4 Be angry and do not sin.
Meditate within your heart on your
bed and be still.
Offer the sacrifices of righteousness
and put your trust in the Lord.

This mean so much to me and at a very right time too. But as of now, my eyes are closing. I feel peace and love and sleep is in the air now. I shall explain another day. Bless all our sleep. :)

Labels: God

Gosh, I'm blogging like almost daily. Rotting at home right now. Cries.. I'm so bored. I dun even know what I'm going to blog about please. I've just got nothing to do.
I woke up this morning at 11.45am and since then I've been lazing around on the couch, on my bed, pigging out, stone with my dog, watching tv, re-reading my Harry Potter series (currently: chamber of sercrets) like for the umpteen time. I'm going to spend the whole of CNY like this!! Sob. I might finish off Harry potter and start on Frodo and gang.
And the pineapple tarts in my house taste horrible. This is so random. I'm gonna pig on seeweeds now.

Labels: random

Okay......................

I guess there's a time for sorrow and then we gotta pick ourselves up and moved on. And now that everything's settled, I feel much much better. Thanks to all for all your comfort, kind words, presence and simply, just being there. With much love, I'll send all you an online hug. Haha. *hugs* No, I shall hug you when I next see you. =).

One more thing...

Happy Chinese New year!! May you have many many angbaos! Haha. I'm gonna pig on all those CNY goodies in my house all by myself. I seek to gain weight and grow fat. Haha. Haaa.

Dear God,
I rejoice because I know that grand-daddy is by your side,
free from worldly illnesses and pain.
I rejoice because I believe that one day, you will raise him from the dead and give him a new body.
Likewise, we shall all have new bodies and new lifes, doing your greater works.
Thank You, dear God.
Amen. :)

Labels: cheer, memories, moving on

I looked into the coffin, taking in my grand-daddy's face, not knowing if it will be the last. I bite my lips, fighting back my tears, as the coffin was wheeled past me, into the van awaiting. My tears dropped, as I laid my hands on the van, Amazing Grace playing in the background. A prayer was made, and I barely heard it all. The van slowly moved, and we silently followed, hands pushing slightly against the van. I saw my daddy's red eyes, and I felt his pain. The van moved faster and our hands flicked off, to sent my grand-daddy on his final journey. My tears continued up the bus, on the way to Mandai. I was so afriad. I want to be daddy's stong girl.

The final memorial service came to a close and we made our way to the coffin for the final time. I laid a flower on the coffin, barely glancing at my grand-daddy's face, for it hurts me so much. I saw all resolve broke down and I couldnt help myself too. As we proceed to the viewing room, my daddy turn back and said, "bye bye, papa" and I felt all his pain. My tears dropped furiously, heart aching with helplessness.

At the viewing room, my heart hung in my mouth. I was so afriad, so afriad. The coffin moved past us, proceeding to the furnance. My dada keep repeating, "papa papa, bye bye, papa' and I felt all his pain. The furnace door opened and swallowed up my grand-daddy, coffin and all. The reality sink in, that I can no longer see him. Daddy's strong girl dies and my cries was heard. Daddy turned around and hug me tight. I sobbed into his arms and wipe my nose on his shirt. I'm so afriad, afriad of death.

Labels: goodbye, Grand-daddy

I saw all kinds of people today. I'm not impressed. I'm tired. I want all this to end. Yet I dread tomorrow. I'm afriad. I'm afriad of the furnace. I'm afriad of what I'll see. I'm afriad of what will happen. I'm just afriad.

Labels: goodbye, Grand-daddy

All this while, I was holding back my tears, trying to be a strong girl for my daddy, crying silently in my own room. Then you called and I pretended all was fine. And yet you broke my heart when you ask whether i love my grand-daddy cuz i seem emotionless towards his death. (just because everything seems usual?) I can't help but cry, for your heartlessness.

Labels: disappointed, goodbye, Grand-daddy

On Valentine's day today,
I saw fathers and sons broke down.
Hearts of stone melt and
once cold and emotionless faces
mould into one of sorrow.

On Valentine's day today,
the piercing cold of death bites into my flesh.
Nothing seems to warm the air.
And my heart freezes as I saw,
lying as if asleep,
my grand-daddy on the hard steel bed.

On Valentine's day today,
I experience for the first time,
the death of someone dear.
His wispy hair, his bright eyes and his stubble chin,
his frail wrinkled hands and his small thin body
that seems to shrunk over the years.
Everything seems so surreal.

On Valentine's day today,
my grand-daddy died.

Labels: goodbye, Grand-daddy

I went shopping with Claire and Jac today. Bought some pretty trinkets. Feeling kind of sad right now. I dunno why. I do have mood swings. Sigh. Enough of this.
Earlier just now, Jac and Claire were at my house baking brownies for their boyfriends. And before that, we were shopping all over town to find a present for them. My legs nearly snapped. We walked and contemplate alot. We took up like 4 hours shopping for their presents. We didn't forget about ourselves though. Haha.
I heard, 32 more days before J left for NS. I still haven't talk to him nicely. Sigh. I feel so terrible inside of me. Couldn't help crying for abit. And I waited so long for a call that never came. Fell asleep then. Sigh. Guess I can't help being emo. Let me continue to emo and until then, good night.

Labels: moody

Bad. I'm in an irritable mode recently. So pardon me if i show some attitude. Once again, I lost my temper with my brother today. I gave disgruntled and negative answers and kup his call without saying bye. Am I mean or what? Sad. Feel so bad now. What's more he called to ask what i want for dinner. Argh! Quick! Just poke me with a knife! :(
On the other hand, it's not really nice to make someone wait for an hour plus while you have fun with friends. It would be nicer if you tell me beforehand that you all would not be done so soon. Talk about rushing down and than going shopping alone.
Sigh. Maybe it's just the kids and him that bothers and puts me in a bad mood. By kids I mean, I was at ACS(junior) this afternoon helping out in a workshop and I was to assist the teacher in teaching a class of students. And boy, they were brats! Ok, I'm so mean but I dun remember being that naughty in primary school myself, or my classmates for that matter. Maybe it's just me. I haven't see the world enough yet. Haha. Some of them are pretty cute lar..But overall, I dun really enjoy working there. What's with him around too...I'm talking mos code. Haha. Hmm, I guess it's time for me to forget the past and forgive him. Actually he didn't do any wrong and so there's nothing to forgive really...I guess it's just me getting paranoid and over reacted. I'm sorry for being childish. Still friends, yup! :)

Shout out: Rena, I'm proud of you no matter what. Remember God has a purpose for you. Your path was pondered and planned by Him even before you were borned. Trust on! You can do it! Shinji-teh!!

Labels: moody

Just reached home not long ago. Feeling abit down right now. Sigh. Was on my way home from Changi Airport with my brother after fellowship with the cellgroup after service (woo...long sentence) and I was talking with him and I felt so demoralize and depressed. So emo. Haha. Ok, whatever. We talked about my relationship with certain people and what it could meant and I sort of got fed up. I dunno but sometimes I lose my patience real easily now, especially with my brothers. Aww..now I feel kind of mean. Nvm. Back to the topic. And so now, here I am. Just dun feel like talking. I dun really know what's wrong but I just dun like people to disturb me about guy(s) and also drag in spiritual, godly stands or my leaders' names or just act as if they are me or the person in question. Like they know everything and argh! Whatever!! I really can't be bother. Just not in the right mood to think. I leave this to some other time.
I'm aching after cheer practice today. Man, we really stretchhhhhhhhh today! I had problem closing my legs together after that. And I based a little little bit! Did a little little shoulder sit and I admit I cannot make it. So after that, we did a fraction of tumbling and yah, I'm horrible. I can't cartwheel. =( Okay, laugh! Haha. Ha. And learnt pop twist cradle. I've seen before in TRP '06 days. *Reminiscing*
Today service is a continuation of the Cultural Mandate and it was good, as always. And this year, CNY gift is a household detergent and sponge for us to help spring clean up the house and yeah, shine for Jesus. Haha. Omgosh....
And before I forgot, Friday Zone meeting was 'WOW'. I love it though I had serious problem getting home from Riverwalk (which was where it was held) after the whole thing ended. Waited for a cab like for 20, 30 minutes. Boo. Anyway, in one part of the sermon, Pastor Kenneth shared something like this, "I can say all I want, edify myself, lift myself high, but if I dun follow up on my words, it is nothing" and "To go high, I need to go really deep down, dig deep underground-work on my foundation" Wow right? I was really touched. Wooo, I'm happier already. =) Okay, I shall stop here. Dun wanna think or do anything at the moment. Just feel like basking in the air-con and stone. Haha. Bye bye.

Labels: cheer, feeling down, God

Right now, it is break time in school and there's a live soccer match going on right here in my classroom. FIFA World Cup, Sweden v England. Ha. Okay, I'm just talking about a virtual game my classmates are playing, flashed out on the projector screen. I'm beginning to like soccer. Haha. Quite exhilarating,my heart nearly dropped out. So yeah, my soccer-crazed classmates. I'm so gonna miss them! Today's the last day of school, according to me. Haha. Actually there's still one last science class the coming Monday.
Well, anyway, in another 20 minutes time, O'levels results are gonna be released. I remember around this time last year, I was like shivering in the school hall. Me, Geraldine and Hui Min were sitting in a circle, silently praying. Legs were like jelly and every movement feels super gravity-defying. I dunno, but right now, I feel kind of nervous too. Heart pumping pretty fast and my hands are shaking. (Hui Ling beside me is making even more nervous. Alot of my classmates retook their O's so atmosphere in class is pretty static.) I guess I just want to be down in school with Rena, supporting her. I dunno. Want to hug her reaaaaaaaaaal tight and just be there. And so goes for Siew En, Huang, Hui Ling and the rest I know... Jia you!!
I truly believe in miracles because my own O's results were miracles themselves. I never expect to get what I've gotten and where I am now, is truly by God's grace. I really treasure every moment of my life and what I have now. Sometimes, you dunno what is God up too. But You have a destiny, a purpose no matter what and where and His love never fails. Just go on trusting Him.
Sounds child-like? That's the big idea. :)

Labels: God

Hi. So here i am again. Blogging. Well, i was blog-surfing while in school having lessons (oops!) and yeah, the rest is history not 12 hours ago. I dunno how long will i keep up with this blog seriously speaking. But, I'm just going with the feel right now. Haha.
Okay, so this is my 3rd blog. The previous ones i had deleted because i kind of hate the things in there. It just irritates me and i feel all emo now thinking about it. I dunno. There were beautiful memories in there but there lingered a kind of sadness too whenever I backtracked. Maybe it's the feeling of things past and gone, never returning. Maybe it's the facade of false joy I've built up, assuring the people around me and myself. But I've never been happy really. I couldn't let go of the hurts and wrongs.
So there goes my ancient blogs. Haha. It really do feel so long ago. This blog, I guess, symbolise a new beginning. To release the past into virtual black hole. I dun dare hope that I've forgiven myself and everyone. I dun dare hope that i truly love myself and embrace all of I've got in me. But I'm really gonna thank God for every single breath I take, every single moment. Life might seems too harsh and God might seem so far away. Everything might feel like it's against me but i dare to believe i will tide over it. I dare to believe i can survive through obstacles for after all, God brought me so far. It has been 17 years, nearly 18 (dun despise my youth), and many times I feel that it is the end and I'm never gonna make it. But look now! Here i stand still, whole and I hope, more beautiful. Hey! I definitely move from glory to glory, if you've seen those erm, old photos.
And yes, Daddy God is with me throughout the seasons and what's to come. Hold on! Press in!

Labels: God, motivated