My life is not based on my blog or my life as what you see. Those happy moments or sad moments, greatly censored, or just a moment of emo-ing is just but a part of my whole life. It's just probably fragments of leaves on a tree. There's so much more in me, a complication of feelings and emotions, of thoughts that comes and goes, buried away until some forgotten time. Who knows and sees and feel or tries to discern the whole me, branches and trunk and roots....I had this diary, not a single other soul had read it. Not an online journal, but a paper-back book. Where I write down all the saddest, most down moments of my life. It's the kind of moments, when I'm sobbing so hard, face scrunched up so hard I can barely see, blurred by a wall of tears. And my hand shook as I wrote a cascade of feelings. It's those kind of moments when I'm seemly at a breaking point and I can't think, I can't talk, not even to God, to tell Him how I feel, cause it's just sobs. So I write, to siphon off these hurts and this book, is a book of letters to God. Just like God send his angels to collect my tears, which is precious to Him, I record and collect this memories and feelings in hope that one day when His Son returns, I can bring the book to Him, and ask Him, to heal me of these scars. Those saddest moments, I shared alone, with my angel by my side.

Labels: feeling down, God

I wrote a long letter to Daddy God up there in heaven. I pasted a stamp, sealed it and sent it up to heaven..Today was a terrible day. I just want to run, just want to hide away. Close my eyes and leave. Throughout the day, my eyes swam with tears, each time I remembered. It's all so wrong. I pretend it was nothing, that it's ain't affecting..but I feel so broken and down. I feel so hollow and empty. It felt like everything has changed.
It really pains me to see a love one so filled with anger and hate, words that don't belong coming out. It hurts me to see people fighting, people related by blood, people that know You, people that you've died for. I feel so ashamed and bad, it seems like things trigger off with me around. I shouldn't be there. If I hadn't insisted on coming..but my love one was sick. I sorry Lord for being selfish, that I've insisted, I hadn't know the situation. I was terrible, unworthy to live up as Your child, but I'll try.
God, I pray You will heal broken relationships and soften angry hearts. You have died on the cross for us, Jesus, and taken away our sins. Please Daddy God, remind us that we are no greater than others, to judge others, to be unforgiving. I pray that all those who have hurt me, treated me wrong, that You will bless them. I release them into your hands. And likewise, I pray you will help others do the same, heal their broken hearts and spirit. Help us remember and see the good things people have done, not the weaknesses. I pray let not this bring us down, but make us stronger, for You make us, break us and mould us to better people always than before. I pray that tender voices will be heard again. Jesus I love You. Amen.

Labels: feeling down, God

I don't know. I really don't know. I thought it was this, and then I thought it was that. And then I don't know what's what anymore. I was thinking and am still thinking, still wondering, still asking. I felt one thing and then I wonder is it selfish of me, is it wrong of me? Is it the wrong attitude, am I'm being a quitter? Am I'm giving up on the race? Or is it just a change, a place where I can put to use what I'm learning, where I am now? I know what I want. But is it the wrong thing. Is it what God wants? Is it what others felt and agree? Maybe I shouldn't think too much about others. Maybe I'm putting too much into their shoes. Maybe I'm imagining too much, thinking too much. I'm in such a dilemma. I want to hear confirmation but I'm afraid that people won't hear of it. Is it wrong to be afraid? Much as I try, I really do not have the confidence. And I wonder is it wrong? Is it an excuse for me? Am I really shortchanging the people? NOW, WHEN WILL I STOP WONDERING AND THINKING?? I'm being double-minded, am I? Okay, again. I feel so stupid and irritating!

Labels: feeling down, rants

If these walls could talk,
you'd know my body is dead.
My mind has been taken over,
that's why I am so scared.
I can't control it,
anger is making me blind,
I've been left here on my own,
chained to a hate of some kind.

If these walls could talk,
you'd know about my fears.
About all those nights I screamed for help,
about all my fallen tears.
You'd know about the demons
haunting me at night.
You'd be able to help me
keep my fire alight.

If these walls could talk
they would say that it's all right.
God sends His angels
to look over me at night.
They'd encourage me,
say though I am alone
it doesn't mean I‘m on my own.
He watches me, from above
and showers me with all His love,
if only these walls could talk.

Labels: feeling down

I sing a sad song for the cold and lonely
Moments no one will admit to aloud.

You see it in the eyes:
The walls are built,
Delight replaced by guilt

Afraid to show surprise,
Beginning young,
It's best to hold the tongue

You see it in the eyes,
At eight or nine,
When childhood dies.

I sing a sad song for the faces pressing,
Against the window panes in longing.

I sing a sad song for dreams woven
never expressed.

Labels: feeling down

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom

Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

Labels: feeling down, God

It's just as well that I took no pictures. Nothing great I did, nothing I am proud of. Just feel like I spoilt the whole thing. Like what in the world was that? The moment, I landed and turn round. I saw those eyes behind, and it's those eyes that haunt me. I feel like I disappointed everybody. Can't even lead. Never felt this lousy in my life. What a failure.

Labels: cheer, disappointed, feeling down

I saw a meteorite yesterday walking home.

And I thought how much things you've never known.

But I'm not even gonna say anything anymore.

All the secrets to myself, I shall do it on my own.

I really do hate you; because I loved you first.

Labels: feeling down

Where's the will to defy the 'impossible'?
Where's the joy to soar to greater heights?
Where's the perseverance to keep on trying?
Where's the endurance to overcome the physical?
Where's the mindset of I can do it?
Where's the control of emotions?

So tired.....and I feel so shitty, so lousy

Then now I see the house and I feel like it's a mess.
I feel no belonging there, just no homeliness.
I seem to live in a different world,
so faraway, so different and alone.
I smile widely, laugh and make a clown of myself,
bringing joy to people and yet feeling all the hurt in me.
But I feel so empty and weird inside,
just an outer facade.
Shed it off in my room,
a place that's most familiar...

yet getting less familiar too.

There seems no escape from this deep confusion.
How profuse my feelings are...how lost...
Even I don't understand..

Labels: feeling down

I don't know how crazy can I get.
I wonder am I really right in the head.
Stumbling home in the dark,
stomping hard on a foot with purpose,
I don't know is it the joy of pain or the attention I seek.

Shivering under cold water, I stood
for the longest time before I awoke.
I saw Dove for calming nights,
and thought I need a calm night indeed.

But calm night not for me tonight.
Weird thoughts and dreams in my head,
reality and dreams seems to merge.
Wild, harsh sobs that's not from me seemingly.

I thought I was dying, so feverish and cold,
dragging deep painful breaths into constricted lungs.
I stay awake for hours afraid of closing my eyes,
in case my body stops fighting to breathe once I sleep.

I called and called and cried and cried,
desperately needing someone to hear me.
But all I manage was gasps.
How lonely and frightening the night was.

There was no one.
No one.

Labels: feeling down

Ever since day one, though I have never say it aloud, those broken promises, those false hopes, I had enough.
I dropped hints, I threw tantrums, but you always seems not to get it, turned around and then it will be my fault. There's no permanency, just temporary coaxing and actions.
Perhaps you forgot, maybe it slipped your mind..for after all, who's perfect?
But then again, keeping a schedule blank for you to fill, rejecting others, pushing aside all else things, only to be left wandering by myself.
Perhaps I should get my own life. Maybe I should start spending time with myself and other people. I can have a dozen girlfriends and guy friends to pack my schedule with, to depend on.
Perhaps I should pack up my schedule with all my own stuff, the things I want to do. Me myself and God as the first priority. All else comes second and if I want to.
Why can I be selfish?
And there's so many other things...
spiritually....

Labels: disappointed, feeling down

What a wild week I have. Sigh. I can't stop my over-active imagination and I can't help thinking about random stuffs. Then I just cry for every single little random thing. And after that, I forgot all about it and start getting noisy and irritating again.
Maybe its all the stress- or maybe it's just my wild imagination, but anyway, I'm so exhausted. I fell asleep almost immediately everytime I turn off the lights and climb into my bed.
Above all my muscle aches, that big vein in the joint area, my right arm seems to have swell up. It's painful to move or stretch, or press. Arh wells.
Yesterday, during service, got bombarded by ushers. It was quite hurting. I guess because they recognized that I was an usher, though they probably didn't realise I have left, they came up to me and inquired about all those empty seats- in a rather rude way. Imagine, you worshipping God and someone pulled at your arm from behind and forced you to turn around. It's not a tap which I could have pardon. Countless times I repeated, my friend just went out of the hall to bring her friends in. I know at this time, reserved seats have to be given up but dun they understand. I'm not the cellgroup leader and I can't just say okay, take the seats. But it's like my fault. Most hurting of all is when Lawrence came up my ear and shouted, dun be so naughty hor. Maybe he didn't meant to shout, but I dunno what he meant by that. So I cried throughout the rest of the songs and announcements. How shitty is that. There's probably nothing to cry about to you but I dunno how to explain. I just got over the whole load of lost and confused feelings, all those major decisions and backsliding stuffs and they are loading my mind with explosives again. All those pushing and pulling. I want to be left alone.
I rather emotionally unstable at this moment. Can I be left in peace, just contented with cheerleading, loving people and friends, helping my cgl and members as best as I can, sowing into lives. Can I serve God this way?
Until I know it's time to move on again. I have made my decision.

Labels: deep thoughts, feeling down, God, tired

Once, for all my love, it went unrequited.
It was humilated and people dun deserve it, I thought.
Now, for all your love, I feel so unworthy of it.
I dun feel like I deserved it.
I feel so bad for all your love.

Labels: emo-ing, feeling down

I miss him playing the guitar,
singing together,
worshipping God together.
The guitar hangs dead on a wall now,
collecting dust and rust.
Not a chord strum.
Not a song for our God.

Labels: feeling down, God, memories

In the presence of God's holiness,
hearing calls for righteousness.
Jesus knocking on my very heart,
knowing that it's being checked.

A life of deceits with masks and games.
weighed down with all the worries and wearies.
Knowing the rights and wrongs so dear,
yet so unable to break away clear.


If I could just tell you everything...every cutting words and breaking thoughts.

Labels: feeling down, God

I screw up real bad yesterday. ='(
I can never make it. I'm just not cut out to be one.
They always make me feel like a midget.
I dun feel supported, respected and encouraged.
Can some1 please offer some nice words to me for once?

My cough is worsening. Throat feel like it's burned with acid. Fever. What next. Past week is hell. I can't wait for the day to end. This a plain emo post. Dun hate me.

Labels: emo-ing, feeling down

Doubts in my heart. Shook my faith. Hard to trust. Filled with unsure.
Feeling small. Unnoticed. Kept away in the presence of the living.
Nothing much to say. Meaningless words exchanged. Only a time to satisfy one's desire.
More like something. Less like someone. A tool for a few minutes. Then back into non-existence.
I dare not ask. Dropped a few hints. Couldn't catch it. And let it be.
Not a question asked or a want to know. Just let it be. Thus feel the care.
I can't feel the love tonight.

Labels: feeling down

The longer I stay, the more tired I get.
I dun really know what I want. Maybe it was selfish of me.
But I sometimes doubt in my heart about this whole thing.
I can't help wish that you could just read my mind.
How do I tell you how difficult it is for me,
to say the things in my heart and mind.
I'm not who ppl think I am.
I'm quite a kid.
It's stay or go.


Do you accept all this?

Labels: feeling down, tired

I'm extremely tired. Very tired. But I dun feel sleepy at all. Too many things running through my mind. I wonder, who do you think I am? Superwoman? No ,I'm not. I dunno what in the world do they see in me. I say it's God's grace by where I am now. I'm blur, I'm slow, I'm not really initiative, I'm afraid, I lack confidence...so many faults! I failed and screwed alot times! Yet why? Why I'm ahead? Really, I dunno too! God has ways for doing things. I dunno what He's planning to do, but He has thoughts of peace and a future for you I'm sure of that. Promotion comes from God and not people. Just do what you can to your best and God will see it and all in all in the right time, promotion will come. Talk about sad, disappointed and jealous, how my insides just curdle at those words. How wearisome life can be? Came home all faint from training and now I see those. I'm not as good as you think I am. My life's not a bed of roses. I'm up to my neck here, struggling. Can I make it? 17 years of my life taught me that it will, just need to endure. This season will pass. Have hope, darling, as I hope for myself. Hope is beautiful in hopelessness. Hang on...

Labels: feeling down, God

Let me cry, let me wail, let me emo to my heart's content.
Sigh....
Do I make the cut? Can I make the cut?
The roles and responsibilities, the expectations and trust.
I'm sorry I find it hard to believe in myself.
I dun understand the rational behind His goodness and grace.
I really dun. What have I done?
For the me with all my imperfections,
For the me who often dun know what to say and makes mistakes.
For the me that cries when a stranger's child is hurt,
For the me who's too weak to say NO.
For the me who can be sad without having a reason to be,
For the me even when I'm unreasonable.
I wish I could be more strong.
I wish I could have more faith.
I wish I would not be afraid.
I wish I could believe in myself and I'm sorry I find it hard.
I wish I wish ALOT of things.
Would you still love me for me?
For the me true and true.


I wonder, what am I in all your eyes?
A subject with subjects, fun to discuss and poke? A form of entertainment to occupy your time?
It went too far. It's always me. I do feel even if I laugh it off. All that false facade.

Labels: disappointed, feeling down