Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I'm feeling pretty depress over my weight right now. The last time I mention, long ago, was a mere 37.4KG or so. It still ain't that bothersome for my weight always fluctuate between 37 to 39KG; and besides I pile on a few grams after that.
FYI, every year, I will gain a KG or so more. For example, in secondary 2, I was about 32KG. Then secondary 4, about 35KG. In poly 2, I was 38KG roughly. Okay, I'm probably offending many people because whatever, I eat so much also won't pile on the
carbs. I stay slim what.
Correction: I'm thin, paper thin. Geraldine demoted me to tracing paper thin.Who knows all the fats could be stuck in my blood vessels entitling me to a premature end. T.T
I'm targeting to hit 40KG, I wish I can hit 42KG though and to be overly ambitious, I actually want to hit 45KG. Sadly, I'm still stuck in the 30s series. There was once I measured
39.8KG. I was so ELATED can! But soon after,
Rexaz training camp and I slipped back to 37KG. I attribute the cause to running around woodlands ave 9. Since then, I never hit 39 ever again up till now.
NOW, to the main point, I was in the school library today and I happily decided to weigh myself, never imagining the horror and depression I would fall into. HORRORS of HORRORS! I am a sickening,
disgustingly 36KG! No, not 36.5KG, cant even round up to 37KG! I feel so disgustingly
UGLY! @&$*&%$^!@%$#
End of
digression.
Labels: emo-ing, moody
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I'm back to multiple postings in a day now that trainings are over, am jobless so slack times are back. Woke up with a heavy heart. Still feeling sore and lousy. Amble about my house the whole day sighing and hating myself. Perhaps thought the whole world hates me too. I needed a break and seek out Pasir Ris Beach with April. Feeling much better, though I think I can never look myself the same way again.
Labels: April Baby, deep thoughts
Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross
You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost
To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart
Labels: feeling down, God
Monday, March 17, 2008
It's just as well that I took no pictures. Nothing great I did, nothing I am proud of. Just feel like I spoilt the whole thing. Like what in the world was that? The moment, I landed and turn round. I saw those eyes behind, and it's those eyes that haunt me. I feel like I disappointed everybody. Can't even lead. Never felt this lousy in my life. What a failure.
Labels: cheer, disappointed, feeling down
Saturday, March 08, 2008
A little more than a week left! Barely. =) But no problem! We can we can we can! Well, anyway, I bought two new books the day before. Marley and Me & The Little Prince. And I swallowed up a 350 pages book within 2 days. Sometimes the rate of how fast I read a book scares me. And I think I'll be better off borrowing books from a library then buying new books; because I'll be spending
ALOT just to keep up with my excessive and
obsessive reading habits.
So anyway, Marley and Me is a real life story about a dog. I guess it would only appeal to dog lovers and people who own one- like me. Man, the first 3/4 of the book had me laughing about the weird antics of Marley the dog. Pretty reminds me much of April except that Marley is a 97 pound Lab Retriever. Imagine April and her hyperactivity taking the form of that Lab Retriever with fangs. I pride April for having such tiny blunt teeth. And April
doesn't chew shoes, thank God, she chews socks instead.
OK, moving on, the last part have me crying so badly as Marley grew old and eventually passed away. Maybe it's my very wild emotions and uncontrollable sentimentality. But it's that SAD. My eyes represent that of a pigeon now.
So now, I'm going to proceed towards the next book, The Little Prince. I originally start on it and by half the first page, it's so
CHIM, I put it down and decided to read Marley. Now I'm preparing a dictionary, highlighter and pencils as I tackle this book. It's no children book as
it claims. It's so bible like, full of parables, and so far it's the only book beside the bible, yes, I can't read within even 2 months. Ciao for lunch.
***
3:15 PM
A bunch of mad 16 people isn't easy to control.
Just 1 could made you wanna pull your hair out, scream at the top of your lungs,
and throw all your weight on them.
A team isn't a team without 1 and there's only this much we could do.
But this much we will do then.
And the rest that's holding on, rooting for you, wanting to lit your face up with a smile,
will keep on trying,
With increasing anxiety when the face remain shut.
Labels: April Baby, cheer
Sunday, March 02, 2008
I had a dream, a nightmare not too long ago. I dreamt that calamity had struck my family, and perhaps the whole world. In the dream, there was no night but the wash of orange over everything. The earth was
scorching. Everyone in my family had perished except me and my dad. The emotions were so real. I felt an emptiness, a sadness that lingered in my heart and around me. And day by day, me and my dad lived with those feeling,
grieving in our hearts quietly but never showing it. Our silence seemed to be the strength for each to carry on and forget the past.
But one day, my dad broke down. The pain of losing our love ones was so raw, we simply can't forget it, and them. We were just burying it deep in the chasm of our hearts and minds. He cried so hard, standing at the edge of the roof of a
HDB flat. I cried so hard too, pleading with him not to give up. To not leave me alone in this dying world. He was all my hope after everything and all, and when he wanted to end his misery, I was so desperate. I felt so lost and hopeless. And I cried so hard.
I woke up crying, with real tears in my eyes. I struggled to sleep again, tears still flowing, the emotions in the dream still so raw.
And I felt so hopeless and lost today, felt like giving up. Suddenly, my mind could not focus. My body just seemed to move on its own, doing the
necessary stuff. But I was not really there. I kept my head low the entire time, to hide the tears. I worked so hard, I commit so much. I spent away what I'd earned this week for people who take their sweet by and by time. I could as well have taken my own sweet time too and reached earlier, why rushed down and wait for nothing. They get away with it all, while I spend my all to get worse more. Ha. Like who am I, to talk about fear and challenges and being an
overcomer? In the end, I'm here in this limbo. What should be my priority? I got it all wrong.
God gave this dream to me, a story to tell me that He is God, my Father in heaven, and He is my hope.
Matthew 6:33But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you
Labels: fear, God
